Thursday, November 22, 2012


For Black Friday
Didn't we use to give them a Month?

For the 100 Point Scale
I love the 100 Point Scale. It reduces something wondrous to an easily understandable number. I'm simply surprised it hasn't been adopted in more miraculous areas. Healing Lepers--88 points "Nice, but really just a parlor trick." Yosemite Valley--96 points "Spahn and Sain and pray for moraine." Sofia Vergara's caboose--95 points "Worth a special search." 

What do dyslexics use to buy wine?

For Quercus Suber
Even if one miserable day the Stelvin triumphs, it will be this noble evergreen tree that changed the way we preserve wine. Unique in its ability to regenerate its outer bark, try to imagine the history of wine without corks. And now all the selfish whiners want to discard it like last month's issue of Wine and Spirits. Make that this month's issue of Wine and Spirits. For plastic and aluminum. Will we ever be happy with what God provides, or will we decide we need the wine equivalent of breast implants?

For Sommeliers
Som-mel-ier / noun / A hospitality professional with an exaggerated knowledge of wine, and the rare capacity to completely offend wine novices, amateurs and connoisseurs alike. See My Hero.

For Wine Blogs
That comforting and incessant barking of so many sorts of Poodles--Standard, Miniature, and Toy--in all their many colors--Black, David White and Blinky Gray. May we all continue to lift our legs in the vain desire to flagrantly, make that fragrantly, let people know we're here.

For Masters of Wine
Who bless us with their very presence among us, like the micro-organisms in our colons. We wouldn't know shit without them.

For Saccaromyces
One cell can change the world. Ask Al-Qaeda.

For Georg Riedel
Who took wine snobbery to a new level with an entirely innovative way to make wine drinkers feel inadequate using the tongue map as validation--"science" proven incorrect fifty years ago. I'm grateful that a Riedel wine glass at a wine tasting makes spotting the jackholes a lot easier--it's the pocket protector of wine dorks.

For Everyone Who Reads HoseMaster of Wine
God Bless You, Happy Thanksgiving, Get a Life.


Jimmy Schnipke said...

Turkey Master

I am thankful I can still laugh at this crazy industry after 40 years. Here is to a few more...

Thanks to you

Samantha Dugan said...

Hey, I have a life, just so happens you are one of the most important parts of it. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving My Beloved Funny Man, I love you with all of my heart.

Emmojee said...

One cell can change the world. Ask Al-Qaeda.

Good one

Dean Tudor said...

Very sharp writing, Ron...

But I'm from Canada: what brought on this bout of Thankfulness? We had our Thanksgiving Oct 8 -- we're wa-a-a-a-y ahead of you.

Yankee Thanksgiving is now just a Brunch so Dad can watch NFL at noon through midnight (three games) and Mom can visit the malls, which apparently are opening at noon everywhere...

I'm thankful for your blog. Keep it up!! The bog, that is...

Dean Tudor said...

oooooops, noting like a typo to spoil a comment -- I meant "blog", I did not mean to call you a cranberry...

Thomas said...


Don't know about Canada, but our Thanksgiving is to celebrate the fact that the religiously persecuted were lucky enough to land here and find a group of natives that they could more than persecute...and I like your Freudian slip of bog (the image of mire) with blog, when referring to HoseMaster.

Ron, My favorite: the colon thing.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Thanks, Gang,
I was awake early on Thanksgiving with nothing to do, since I don't care about giant balloons in NY, by which I mean Marvin Shanken, or football, though I can understand why people are connoisseurs of traumatic brain injury. So I sat at the keyboard and wrote this silly little bit of comic exercise.

My Gorgeous Samantha,
I'm more thankful for You than almost anything else in my life, Sweet Love.

I love you so!

Andy Perdue said...

Here's the perfect gift for the HoseMaster. Who is in?

Samantha Dugan said...

That is as they say, fucking brilliant. I am so in!

David White said...

I'm thankful for the mention! But now I'm scared it might happen again.

Kathy said...

Thankful...what a wonderful word for Hosemaster. Thank you, every time, Ron. (And all the regulars as I am irregular though not in a typical Hosemaster way).

Thomas said...

Is that T-shirt for real?

Samantha Dugan said...

It is!! I had to look because I assumed it was a joke, guess that joke is on us. Least it is only $30...

Ron Washam, HMW said...

I'm just wondering how Blinky gets a T-shirt over his gigantic head. Yeah, that's a perfect gift for me, but make sure it's personally autographed.

If Jenna Talia can take it, so can you!

That's very kind. It's comments like that that make this damned bog worth it.

Anonymous said...

get your own damn t-shirt...

-blink dogg

Anonymous said...

You are by far the only open dialogue on a wine website worth reading. Your wit and sarcasm make me laugh at the industry I have chosen to be a part of. It is refreshing to hear a voice in this industry that does not carry the pretentious BS undertones of the majority of those working in in a winery, or worse yet selling the stuff.
Assistant Winemaker,
nameless Napa winery

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Nameless Assistant Winemaker at a Nameless Napa Valley Winery,
Thank you. I know that I write almost entirely for the industry and for other bloggers. It's a strange business, but still a business, with all the usual trappings. I'm glad and privileged to make folks laugh at it. It always has needed that, and always will.