Wine Blogs Are the Attention-Barking of Lonely Poodles
Friday, August 14, 2009
Join the HoseMaster of Wine Club Today!
Announcing the HoseMaster of Wine ClubTM! Yes, now you can drink the best wines available at just dollars above their actual value! Don't be fooled by all the other wine clubs! They're scams, disingenuous schemes to rob you of your valuable drinking dollars. Just look at who's started wine clubs, why would you trust these yahoos?
Sunset Magazine Wine Club--The people who believe in-depth reporting is all of two paragraphs written in sixth grade English want to sell you wine! Every month receive two bottles of wine about as challenging as a pregnancy test. Hand-selected, because their feet are covered with manure. Who the hell buys wine on Sunset's recommendation? Your grandmother?
KQED Wine Club--OK, fine, it's good to support public television. I can't get enough of Wayne Dyer's recycled Tao bullshit (I don't really have the TaoJones), I can't stop watching Broadway show tunes and singing along, I can't wait for Ken Burns' next documentary about the great American tradition "Bowling with Midgets," but I sure as hell don't want PBS picking my wines for me. Of course, it's not like they do it themselves--they hire a company to do it. And since everyone along the chain has to make a profit, well, those bargain wines, those wines wineries are willing to unload for a song to the KQED Wine Club knowing they'll be sold for their full retail price, by the time you get them, well, they're full price! Act now and you'll get a book autographed by Deepak Chopra's assistant--the same ones on the bargain table at your local Barnes and Noble!
The Wall Street Journal Wine Club--From the people who brought you amateurs reviewing wines to go along with their amateur movie reviewers and professional stock market mystics, a wine club! And why wouldn't you buy wine recommended by the WSJ? Sure, you've a perfectly competent wine shop nearby with an owner who's spent his life learning about wine, but that's nothing compared to UPS dropping off a box at your house with the WSJ return address, is it?! A box filled with wines all the titans of industry would be proud to serve at their next angry stockholder meeting when announcing their million dollar bonuses. And is there a better pair of guides to wine than Gaiter and Brecher, the lovely couple who manage to write a weekly wine column loaded with residual sugar? But you can be sure when it comes to Open That Special Bottle Night they aren't referring to your recent WSJ Wine Club wines.
The New York Times Wine Club--Oh, this ought to be good. Now, in a desperate move to try to actually make some money, because, now pay attention Bloggers, even the New York Times can't make a profit from their online product (monetize that, dimbulbs), the venerable newspaper is about to start a wine club. One of the great newspapers of the world has to resort to marketing fire sale wines at nice profit margins in order to pay for their journalistic efforts. What's wrong with this picture? We expect everything except porn online to be free--it's our God-given right, we're paying Comcast for DSL, that's plenty to pay for the Internet--but we are willing to pay for the right to drink mediocre wines chosen by a panel driven mostly by profit and only occasionally by quality. We can't expect free wine, after all! Well, not unless we're Bloggers and we're the next channel for wineries to sell wine! Then we deserve it. And if the New York Times can't make a profit, tough. Who needs them? We've got Sean Hannity to tell us all the news that fit to distort.
So why join any of those stupid wine clubs when you can join the HoseMaster of Wine ClubTM? I personally select the finest wines, negotiate discount prices from suppliers, then resell them to you at fantastically exaggerated prices! And I include detailed tasting notes, exciting recipes culled from Sunset magazine, and tons and tons of throwaway advertising in every shipment! So what are you waiting for? Operators are standing by! Call toll-free! 1-877-SUCKERS!
If I were you I wouldn't actually dial that number...
After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.
What the Critics Are Saying About HoseMaster of Wine
"If you want a great hoot and howl moment or two...go read the HoseMaster's year-end reflections...that guy is without a doubt the funniest SOB in the blog-world...and thank him for having the brains and balls to target his laser of laughter on anybody...HoseMaster for President...HoseMaster for Blogger of the Year...although he would be the first to say the bar is so damn low for that award, he should win it every year..." --Robert Parker
"No one is immune from California sommelier and wine judge Ron Washam's skewering. He polishes that skewer with boundless enthusiasm and acuity."
"Washam uses his own blog, HoseMaster of Wine, to skewer the industry in general and wine blogs in particular. If your mouse scoots to your browser's close box while reading a wine blog, Washam may be the blogger for you."
--San Francisco Chronicle
"...that guy Hosemaster has real talent...if you ask me sign him up for Comedy Central...he's the funniest guy since Adam Carolla's hilarious book...IN 50 YEARS WE WILL ALL BE CHICKS..."
"Ron Washam, former sommelier, is easily the most bitingly funny blogger/wine writer that we have ever come across. He is an equal opportunity crusader who pillories big wineries and amateur bloggers alike, as well as everything and everyone in between...One needs a sense of humor and a tolerance for earthiness to enjoy reading The Hosemaster. We must have both because this guy deserves a wider audience, in our humble opinion." --Connoisseurs' Guide to California Wine
"In my opinion, and that of many others, his blog is one of the best. And in terms of satirical or parodic wine blogs, it has no peer. Ron’s alert eye catches every pretense and skewers it with laugh out loud mercilessness."
"This site should carry a warning label. It's sort of a Dave Barry/George Carlin approach to wine. The Hosemaster (real name Ron Washam) skewers fellow bloggers and industry savants with glee, while offering hilarious wine guides such as his Honest Guide to Grapes..."
--Paul Gregutt, Seattle Times
"Washam is a skilled wine judge (I have judged with him) who is willing to judge wine double blind, in public. To my knowledge, Parker does not do this and never has. So Ron's credentials are in place, and so is his sense of the absurd."
--Dan Berger, VintageExperiences
"...I consider Ron a very talented writer and I’ve long been an admirer of his scathing wit..."
"And if any free sites think they can conquer the world, there’s always the Hosemaster to take ‘em down a notch."
--Tyler Colman "Dr. Vino"
"Those of you who know Ron either love or hate him, because he throws jabs like a punch drunk boxer, and we’re all in the firing line. He’ll throw them if he hates you, and he’ll throw them if he loves you. He’s a satirist of exceptional quality."
--Jo Diaz "Juicy Tales by Jo Diaz"
"I must say you are an idiot. I've never liked you. I have no idea why people find you funny."